Look At Me, Severus and Lily
by frenchpianist45
Summary: As long as she was there for him he was okay with whatever happened. He didn't need the power. He didn't need the attention. He didn't need the knowledge. He didn't even want those things anymore. He only wanted, only needed Her. Lily Evans. T for safety.
1. I Meant That I'd Love You Forever

_**Okay, this is a new story I randomly came up with! I hope you all enjoy it. Just a WARNING: it won't be happy in the end. Because, well, Snape and Lily just weren't meant to get t****heir happy ending together...:( I am aware that some of the scenes were written into Deathly Hallows, only differently. I changed stuff but it's basically still cannon.**_

_**Here ya go!**_

_**The song for this chapter is Keep on Lovin You by REO Speedwagon**_

_...When I said that I loved you, I meant that I'd love you forever... :_

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_"_Lily!" the young boy called across the train station to the girl with the braids. She turned to the sound of her name only to see the pale, black haired boy standing in between platforms 9 and 10. A tens, seemingly forced smile spread across her face.

She turned to her sister, almsot as if pleading, but it appeared to be of no use. her mother ushered her towards the expectant boy, waving goodbye to the tiny child.

The young girl, called Lily Evans, trudged over to the boy, named Severus Snape, with silent tears tumbling down her face like acrobats.

"What's wrong Lil'?" Severus questioned honestly.

"It's you!" All your fault! Tuny hates me! I don't ever wanna go away without her!" Lily sobbed, her wails now becoming loud and messy.

Snape was hurt by her accusation but wouldn't let it show. He didn't want her to know his only weakness. Her.

"Hey, it'll all be okay. Hogwarts will be amazing. Who needs family? Mine hates me, and I get off just fine. All we need is me and you."

He hoped he was saying the right things. All he wanted was to see her happy, safe, and alive. Each of those things he would take from her, one by one, but for now he desired only that.

Snape would forever regret not voicing his thoughts at that moment. At that time, he just needed her to see how deeply he loved her. Images and thoughts of Lily Evans would haunt him late at night when he lay all alone. He would break for her, and for him all at the same time, over and over again. Each tear he shed would pierce him like many knives, and he enjoyed the pain. Maybe, if he felt enough pain, it would make up for the pain in his heart. The pain forgotten by many, but never him. The pain of loosing Lily, many times. Once when he chose evil, again when she chose James, and then again when she died. And he would cry, again and again and again.

"Sev," Lily whispered, her voice breaking with emotion, "Petunia is all that I have, my best friend. I can't just forget her!"

Snape's picture perfect mask of a smile broke for a split second, but he soon recomposed himself.

"Come on, Lily. We're gonna miss the train. You'll never forget Petunia, but all you need is us. Me and you. I can be everything that you need." Severus was pleading now, hoping she would listen.

A slow smile spread across Lily's face.

"OK. Thanks Sev. Best friends. Always."

Snape grinned and grabbed his things with one hand and Lily's hand with the other. Hand-in-hand the two kids entered Platform 9 3/4.

Soon, the two friends arrived in an empty train car. They set their things down, with Lily's expression a stark contrast to her teary countenance of a few minutes ago. The two of them sat down next to each other, hands still joined. And Snape had never been happier. Because, Severus was in love. Maybe, its wasn't a healthy love, and it would never be enough. But he loved her with all that he had.

She was the first person he had ever really loved. His father thought of him as a gross disappointment, and how could you love someone who was constantly making you aware of how awful you were? His mother, so desperate to please the wretched man, shunned her only child as she fought with a muggle she thought she was in love with.

No, Severus had never loved before, and would likely never love again. Lily Potter had unknowingly captured one hundred percent of his heart. Even at eleven, there would never be anyone else for Snape. There was _no one_ else.

Just then, two boys their age entered the compartment. The leader of the two, or so it seemed, had crooked glasses and disheveled hair (which apparently some girls found attractive). Behind him was a taller, prouder boy with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

"And _what_ is this? Sirius, could you tell me why a greasy boy like, that, would be with a _beautiful_ girls such as this?" The first boy mocked, loudly making fun of the two children.

"I haven't the slightest, James! Perhaps they're brother and sister?" The other young man replied, smirking.

The two boys laughed, triumphantly. Snape had a dejected look on his face and waited for Lily to laugh along. He had be hurt to many times in his life not to expect everyone he loved to hate him.

"You leave us alone! You two are nothing but big meanies! As if anyone even likes you!" Lily was _furious_ beyond anything. How _dare_ they make fun of Sev like that?!  
"Come on Severus, let's get away from these freaks."

"Oo, Severus!!" They cried mocking their every move, laughing all the while.

"Yes.._Snivellus, _why don't you go with your _girlfriend. _More room for us!" The one called James called after them.

Snape, on the verge of tears, fought to keep them inside. For Lily.

"I am so sorry Sev! I had no idea they would make fun of you like that if I said your name!" Lily said, compassionately.

"It's all right. I'm fine." Snape said, though it was far from the truth.

"I know what will make you feel better!" Lily exclaimed, and Snape waited.

Lily said nothing, but smiled.

Then she leaned in towards Severus and lightly pecked him on the lips. Their first kiss. Together.

They both blushed and ran towards another compartment, off to Hogwarts.

_**I hope you LOVE it!! Haha, I'm excited about this one. Please review lovelies! **_


	2. You're Gonna be the One That Saves Me

_**OMG, ha ha two chapters in two days! Don't expect this like ever again, but I'm sick and bored and had some ideas so I'm taking advantage of that and writing a new chapter for you all! Thanks to Nelli-5 for being the first review for this story! :D  
**_

_**The song for this chapter is Wonderwall by Oasis. **_

_**

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**_

_I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now. _

_And all the roads that leave you there were winding. And all the lights that light the way are blinding. There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how. _

_I said maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me, and after all, you're my wonderwall.  
_

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After a while, the train arrived at Hogwarts. Snape was still overwhelmed by emotion from Lily's kiss. The thoughts and questions swirled around in his mind, but he couldn't bring himself to ask them. Why? Me? What does this mean for us? So he pushed those thoughts aside and made what he thought was careless small talk.

"You'd better be in Slytherin, Lily!" Snape exclaimed, so excited to be arriving at his new home. There was no fighting here, no yelling, no cursing, no crying, no begging for forgiveness the next day, just...happiness.

"Slytherin? Why? I thought that's where the bad wizards come from."

"Well, they do sometimes. But, all my ancestors and everything have all come from Slytherin. So, I guess I have to go there...but you'll be with me too. We _have_ to be together." Snape was determined to be with Lily. She was his everything, even if he couldn't be the same for her.

"I don't know, maybe we should hope for Gryffindor..." Lily was trying to see the logic from Severus's point of view, but just couldn't.

"And be with those boys from the train!? You would actually want to be with them all the time? I thought we were friends." Snape was angry, he couldn't believe Lily was being like this. She didn't know, however, what she was even doing that was so wrong.

"Sev, I don't see the problem. We'll be at school with them anyways. Just calm down! We'll be in whatever House we get put in, however that happens. It's not like we have a _choice_ or anything." Lily rationalized with him, and Snape started to relax. Maybe, just maybe, her Bravery would be too much for Gryffindor. Maybe, just maybe, her Brains would be too much for Ravenclaw. And perhaps, her Loyalty would be too much for Hufflepuff. And by some unexpected miracle, the sorting hat would see those three great choices, and not know what to do with the bright young witch. Maybe, it would put her into Slytherin, not wanting to compromise any of her abilities.

Snape knew he would be in Slytherin. He didn't need his father to tell him that he wasn't bravest, smartest, or best friend of all. He knew that the only thing great about him was what he could do evilly. He had ideas in his head that terrified him, and made him giddy with joy all at the same time. The things he could come up with...he knew that he could be an greatly evil wizard one day if he wanted. But, he didn't. He had Lily. As long as she was there for him, he was okay with whatever happened. He didn't need the power he so greatly craved at one time. He didn't need the attention of the whole world, even if it was negative. He didn't need the knowledge he could gain. He didn't even want any of those things. She was everything to him, all he needed. She was his everything. She was everything.

The train came to a stop and the children all climbed out.

"Ferst years ov'r here!" A large man called from the edge of a large lake. Lily and Snape gazed in awe at the huge castle that would be their home, basically, for the next seven years.

They followed the rest of the 'first years' to a bunch of boats.

Off to the side Severus could hear James and Sirius, the two boys from the train, laughing and calling to each other loudly. Lily paid them no attention, though. No, her attention was all on him, Severus Snape. She was saying something...

"Snape, oh my goodness, I just can't wait to get started here! With the learning, and playing, and...and we can be together all the time, whenever we want. Isn't that amazing, Sev? Just amazing!"

"Yeah...amazing..." _Just like you. _The last part, said in his head, was a notion about Lily, his Lily, that would never leave him. He always, until the day he died, believed her to be the most amazing person ever to grace his life. No matter how short, and struggle filled those years were, they were marked by her presence. All his best, and worst, memories involved her. Centered around her. Time was marked in intervals then. _Three hours until Lily is out of class and I can see her. Twenty-seven minutes until she will be finished studying and ready to talk to me. Thirty-nine seconds until she will say something to me. Thirty-eight. Thirty-seven. Thirty-six..._

All the first years clambered into the boats and sailed across the black lake to Hogwarts.

Once they arrived inside, they all were instructed by a woman called Professor McGonagall to wait outside a few large doors until they were called in to be Sorted.

A few minutes later the two large doors swung open and all the children walked in.

"Welcome first years! Welcome to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I am Professor Dumbledore, headmaster here at Hogwarts. Wonderful, good, fantastic. Let the sorting begin!"

One by one, they were called up. Soon, Evans, Lily was called.

She slowly made her way up to the stool, the turned to gaze out at the many students waiting, silently, for her to be sorted.

The hat was placed over her long, red hair.

_"Ah yes," _the sorting hat whispered so only Lily could hear, "_You and your friend are hoping to be together...Slytherin, I see. Unfortunately, you are much more suited for a different house, but which one? The bravery is there, but so much intelligence. Not to mention unfailing loyalty. However, it'll have to be _GRYFINNDOR!"

The Gryffindors at their respective table cheered. Lily was happy, but also terrible upset. What about Sev? What about her best friend?

She shot him an apologetic glance and saw his forlorn face gazing down.

Black, Sirius was already there with an empty seat next to him. He seemed to think she would actually want to sit next to him. As, if. She sat on the opposite end of the table, all alone. For once, Lily Evans didn't know what to do. Her Bravery, Kindness, Intelligence, Gallantry, Loyalty, Brains, everything failed her. In that moment, she was afraid.

_**REVIEW!!!**_


	3. Am I Crazy or Falling in Love?

_**Another day, another chapter! Thanks to all who've been subscribing and reviewing, it means a lot! Keep up the reviews, I won't be updating again until I get 10...so review, review, review. **_

_**Song for this chapter:**_

_**Crush by David Archuleta**_

_**

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**Why do I keep running from the truth? All I ever think about is you._

_Do you ever think, when you're all alone, all that we could be, where this thing could go?_

_

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_Snape gazed across the room at Lily. She looked miserable sitting all alone with those Gryffindors. All he had wanted was for her to be in Slytherin like him. All he had wanted was for them to be happy, together. And now, they were sad, apart. She was his best, and only, friend. She was the one who would cheer him up after his parents had a fight. She was the one whose doors (or windows) were open when he needed a place to sleep. She was everything, and now they had no way to be together.

On the other side of the dining hall, Lily was on the verge of tears. They weren't necessarily tears of her sadness, they were more tears of utter fear. Lily couldn't believe that Severus was going to be in a different house. She knew that somewhere deep down she had always known that they wouldn't be together, but now that it was a reality she was scared and alone. The only other people she knew there were those mean boys from the train and she made a promise to herself that she would never befriend those jerks.

Just then a pretty second year girl came up to Lily.

"Hello, Lily I think was your name, my name is Rachel!"

Lily smiled and replied, "Yes it's Lily. Nice to meet you Rachel."

Rachel looked at Lily for a second with a puzzled expression on her face then said, "What's wrong? You don't look happy, and who wouldn't be happy to be at HOGWARTS?"

Lily paused, wondering if she should share the truth with her new friend, then decided to tell her an edited version of the truth, "My friend was sorted into another House, that's all. I'll be fine in a minute."

Lily knew that 'friend' hardly covered what her and Sev had...but she didn't want anyone to know how she felt about him. She had learned that Slytherin and Gryffindor were rivals, and if they knew that she liked, maybe even loved (although she was too young to realize that yet), a Slytherin, she would be the laughing stalk of the whole school.

Rachel smiled sympathetically, "I know how that feels," She said with a sugarcoated voice, "My best friend is in Ravenclaw, but don't worry we get to see each other sometimes. Hogwarts is a lot of fun and you will for sure make new friends here! Besides, I think I saw James Potter looking at you! He's CUTE!"

Lily wrinkled her nose at the thought of the nasty rat of a boy liking her. She then smiled politely and declared, "I'm off to bed. All this chit chat has made me sleepy. Would you show me my room?"

The two new friends went off to the rooms to get to bed.

Meanwhile, Snape had made some new friends himself. They were murmuring something about the rise of a man called 'Lord Voldemort'. The way they put it, the whole idea sounded rather intriguing. Wizarding rule, Muggles as slaves.

To a boy who had been walked upon by nearly everyone in his life, the idea of being superior appealed to him. He wanted the chance to get back at his parents for putting him through such a horrible childhood and it sounded like this 'Voldemort' might be the way. He knew marrying Lily, the muggleborn, mattered not to his parents. His mother was, in fact, a muggle child herself (although marrying Lily was certainly a part of his life plan). Yes, maybe ruling on high in the right chair next to Voldemort could give him the power to get them back. For now, they were just thoughts of an abused 11 year old boy. But later, they would become his very downfall. They would become the things that took him away from the only woman he ever loved.


	4. An Illusion is Hope Born From Fear

_**Finally! Another chapter! :) The other day I finally created an outline for this story...so I basically know how the rest of its gonna go. Updates should come more often. There is supposed to be (according to the outline) 20 total chapters...that could change but its unlikely. I was pretty specific tehehe :)  
**_

_**Song for this chapter: **_

_**Safe in Your Arms by Beth Orton  
**_

__**_

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__Time moves so sure_**  
**_ runs rings around he treees_**  
**_ its silence mocking_**  
**_ in the wind against the leaves_**  
**_ for all your loss and gain_**  
**_ the soul defines its suffering_**  
**_ an illusion is hope born from fear_**  
**_ and now you're right back here_**  
**_ safe in my arms my dear_**

**_

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_**

"Lily! Hey Lily, over here!" Severus Snape called from an empty corner of the Slytherin table, waving his arms frantically trying to secure her attention.

She gave Sev a small smile before starting to make her way over there. Her new friends Rachel and Mary pulled her back with them, not letting her sit with the gross Slytherin boy. They were beautiful Gryffindor girls, why shouldn't they sit with the gang of boys we now know as the Marauders .

Severus's face fell as he sat through that night's dinner alone.

Severus and Lily had potions together, and he viewed this as a huge opportunity to snag her affections. Hadn't that kiss on the train meant anything to her?  
However, when he had tried to sit right next to her, her friends quickly stepped in before Lily even noticed that Sev was there.

Again and again, Severus tried and tried to get some time with Lily. Again and again he was thwarted by Rachel and Mary.

One night, Lily realized suddenly how much she was missing Sev. Once she started thinking about it, it consumed her every thought. She was overwhelmed with the sensation that some part of her was missing.

She hopped out of bed and raced down the corridor s, dodging professors every so often. There was one professor, she didn't see. Professor (and new headmaster) Albus Dumbledore. And although he very clearly saw her with tears welling in her eyes, racing through the corridors, he did nothing. For, this professor understood what it was like to be young and alone. So he let the events continue as they were without any intervention from him. This decision would haunt him forever. He would wonder if the suffering he saw Severus go through was partly because he never intervened when the children were young enough to forget.

Lily tiptoed when she neared the Slytherin part of the castle. She had no idea how to get there but she had an idea where it was.

However, once she got there it appeared that Sev had the same idea. She saw him standing alone in the hallway. She ran over to him and jumped into his arms.

"Sev!" She yelled holding him close. His face immediately broke into a huge smile as he hugged her back, memorizing the feel of her body close to his.

They stayed like this for a very long time then Lily pulled away.

"Sev, what's happened to us? We are best friends."

"I don't know Lil." He murmured back longing to hold her again.

"Let's go. Let's get out of this place for one night! Who cares if we get in trouble? As long as I get to be with you."

How could Snape have refused an offer like that? He couldn't. He could never refuse Lily Evans.

They crept out of the castle to a secret area that Severus had found earlier. It was far enough away from both the Forbidden Forrest and Hogwarts that they would be safe. Completely safe in each others arms.

They fell asleep after talking for a while, with Lily's head resting on Severus's chest and his arms around her waist. He didn't sleep that night. Instead he just watched as the most beautiful girl in the world slept next to him.

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**_I hope you liked it! Sorry it's kinda short...REVIEWS PLEASE!  
_**

**_PS I have no idea if Dumbledore was already headmaster when Snape was there but I think he was...if I'm wrong, let me know :) I will then take it as my own creative lisence. _**

**_Check out my other two stories (:  
_**


	5. Please Don't Go, Cause I Need You Now

_**Here's the new chapter :) Sorry it took so long! School's been killer! Please review!**_

_**Song for this chapter: If Only- Hanson  
**_

**_If only I had the guts to feel this way _**

**_If only you'd look at me and want to stay _**

**_If only I'd take you in my arms and say _**

**_I won't go cause I need you _**

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SUMMER

And life did as life does-and things came to an end. Severus and Lily's first year at Hogwarts was over. It was time for summer.

Snape never thought that he'd be looking forward to any time spent with his parents, however this summer he did hope that he would be able to spend time with Lily, He was desperate to reclaim the time he considered "his" that others had stolen whilst at Hogwarts.

However, it had been partially Snape's fault that time had slipped away. He was so desperate for a friend in his House, that he began sliding along with his new 'friends', Avery and Mulciber, the boys who had talked about their "Lord Voldemort" on the first day. They spent much time discussing their rough and broken childhoods. Beaten, abused, and hardened at such a young age, they found a twisted sort of comfort in the planned pain of others.

Snape, however, wasn't thinking of hurting anyone with his tortures and spells (accept for maybe James Potter). It was just that the visions and day dreams simply numbed the pain. The kind usually instilled into his life by Lily.

On the way back home, Snape and Lily sat together. She slept with her head on his shoulder and he played with her hair imagining what it would be like if she was all his.

When Lily's parents drove Snape home, he reluctantly trudged towards his house. Knowing that even the thought of having Lily to himself for the summer wouldn't stop the pain when his parents verbally and physically abused him.

"What the..Who's there?" Snape's mother screamed out when the door slammed behind him.

"It's me mother."

"'It's me mother,'" She sneered at him, wobbling down the corridor towards the young Snape, obviously drunk, "back from Hogwarts are we boy? Kicked out already?"

"No. It's summer time. Everyone went home." He whispered at the floor.

"Poor, poor Severus. Has to come home. Has to see his parents. Has to! After all the love and caring you dear mummy has given you-"

"You're no mother of mine!" Snape cried at her, "All you do is beat me! Love? Care? I don't even know what those words mean! All I know is hate. Cold blooded hate. And abuse. Abuse of your own CHILD!" The tears came now. He didn't care. He already knew what was coming.

"You ungrateful little snake, you! Just like your father!" His mother cried before slapping him across the face, "Just like your father."

"I'm am nothing like my father!" He cried at her before grabbing his trunk and running out of the house. He could faintly hear the sound of breaking glass behind him as he made his escape.

Soon he was at his refuge. The only place outside of Hogwarts he knew was safe. Lily's house.

He climbed the familiar path up the wall and into her window only to find a sobbing Lily.

Forgetting his own pain, he ran over to her bed and sat down next to her.

"What's wrong Lily?" Severus asked, concerned.

She sat up and looked at him, "It's Tuney. She won't talk to me except to call me a freak. It's all my fault!" She whispered, her throat thick with tears.

Snape put his arm around his best friend, being able to empathize, but having no real words of comfort. "It's not your fault, Lil. It could never be your fault. She'll come around, you'll see." He brushed her hair out of her face, "You're not a freak, either. You're perfect."

It was then that Lily noticed the red, scalding hand print slammed across Sev's face.

"Oh Sev, did you mom do that?" She inquired, stroking his face gently.

"Yeah. It's okay though. She's probably passed out by now."

"Oh..." She replied, anxiously.

"I better go. The longer I stay gone, the worse it'll be."

Snape stood up to leave but Lily came behind him and grabbed his waist tightly.

"Don't you dare leave me Sev. We need each other."

He turned to face her, the beautiful Lily Evans.

"I guess we do." He replied before leaning down to kiss her cheek.

And so the rest of the summer passed. Lily's parents, as always, consented to Snape staying at their house, and Lily and him spent the days wandering and playing and falling even more in love. The days sped by and the time came to return to Hogwarts. Another year had begun.


	6. Don't You Want the Way I Feel For You?

_**Hey guys! **_

_**I am SOOO Sorry that it has been so long since I've updated! Life has been crazy and I haven't had the time to type it up until now. But I hope you guys like it :) **_

_**Something important: A few people have mentioned that I'm not staying entirely cannon...and yes I know. This story isn't meant to be 100% cannon. The big things will be but little stuff like Lily's parents being at the train station won't. It's just the story that comes from my imagination with lots of help from J K Rowling's books. Sorry if that bothers you!**_

**_Thanks for reading! :)_**

**_Song for this chapter: Don't You by Darren Criss_**

**_

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_**_**Say, wasn't that a funny day?**_  
_** Gee, you had a funny way—a way about you.**_  
_** A kind of glow of something new.**_  
_** Sure—I'll admit that I'm the same.**_  
_** Another sucker for a game kids like to play,**_  
_** And the rules they like to use.**_

_**Don't you want the way I feel?**_  
_** Don't you want the way I feel?**_  
_** Don't you want the way I feel for you?

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**_

The two friends continued to grow and live and love. As the years went on, it became increasingly more difficult for the pair to deny their growing feelings for each other. Severus was extremely talented in Potions so he would constantly tutor his friend when she needed help. Lily returned the favor by sharing her amazing talent in Charms. Soon they were the top two students in every class.

One night in particular, in their fifth year at Hogwarts, Severus Snape would remember for all of eternity.

"Hey Sev?" Lily asked from across the table in the dining hall.

"Yeah?" He replied, not taking his eyes off of his worn potions book.

"Well.." She sighed, "It's about your friends, Avery and Mulciber? Why do you hang out with them?"

Snape stopped what he was doing to look into the redhead's eyes.

"What do you mean?" He pronounced each word clearly, beginning to get defensive.

"Don't get mad, Sev. But they're not good guys. You're too good for them. You're special."

His heart warmed towards his friend, but his eyes stayed cold.

"Look, Lil. In Slytherin...there's not exacly much to choose from. And I need friends. I can't just spend my time alone."

Hurt encroached on the beauty on her face, but Lily Evans quickly composed herself.

"Aren't I good enough Sev?"

Snape broke. She was his only weakness, his only undoing. He couldn't stand to see her hurting. And now he was the cause of it, for one of many times.

"Of course you're enough. Look if it means that much to you, I'll stop hanging out with them." Snape relented. He always knew he would, that he could never say 'no' to Lily Evans.

"No Sev! Don't do that for me! I'm sorry I brought it up. I just...I worry about you. I...I love you Sev."

Snape was stunned for a second, but he quickly recovered.

"Come here." He patted the space next to him.

She came around and sat next to Severus. Putting his arm around her he whispered, "I love you too Lil."

If she only knew.

And so the weeks went on. Sev and Lily grew closer than ever. Not even James Potter and his self-righteous gang could tear Severus down. That was until the last school day before summer.

Snape and Lily walked down the corridor to go back to their respective dorms and pack before the end of year feast.

Suddenly James Potter strolled down the hallway coming towards the two.

"Hey Lil!" He called towards them, calling her by Snape's nickname for her, "What'cha doing with Snivellus here? You're too pretty to mess around with a _snake._" He spat the words at Snape with a sneer on his face.

"You take that back, Potter!" Snape yelled about to charge him, but Lily grabbed his arm holding him back.

"Don't, Sev. He's not worth it." She glared at James.

"Ooo! You're girlfriend always fight your battles for you Snapey?"

"Go away James!" Lily screamed at him.

"Whatever you say Lil." He winked at her, "Catch you later, Snivellus." He strolled on past them towards the Great Hall.

"You don't need to stick up for me! I can fight my own battles!" Snape yelled at Lily.

"OH! I'm sorry! Next time I"ll let you get in a fight with him, or curse him or something and get expelled. Yeah! I'd bet you'd love to spend the rest of your life living with your parents!" She shot back at him.

"I wouldn't have cursed him. Who do you think I am?"

"I think you're a brilliant wizard who's fantastic and spells and curses! And you want Potter to know that! I know you Sev!"

"Obviously." He retorted sarcastically.

"You know what? I'm done! I'm so sick of you and your moods. I was only trying to help. but I can see that you could care less about me or my feelings. Don't ever talk to me again Severus Snape!"

With that she ran in the opposite direction.

Snape stood in the hallway, completely alone. For the first time in his life he began to understand what things would feel like without Lily to brighten them up. For just a second, he thought more about that Lord Voldemort character, and realized that he would have to try and join forces with him. Lily brought him everything: Joy, happiness, peace, comfort, and life. The only other things that ever brought him anything close to the feelings he got around Lily was the curses he made up and the thought of getting his parents back for all the hurt they had caused him.

Suddenly, footsteps came from behind him. He whipped around only to come face to face with Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore.

"My dear boy!" He cried, "What on Earth is the matter?"

"I just lost my best friend." Snape whispered, trying not to cry.

"Oh dear! Well? Aren't you going to search for her?" He cried.

"I don't think she wants to be found."

"Ah. I know the feeling well. I too have lost my dearest friend. However, it is to my experience that sometimes, people lose themselves in order to see who cares enough to find them again."

"Maybe. Professor?"

"Yes, Severus?"

"Thanks."

"Well," he replied, flattered, "don't mention it. Go get your girl."

And he sent him off, watching him race down the hallway. Albus Dumbledore once again intervened in the young relationship. He had no idea that it would only end in sorrow, he only saw it as a chance to right his own wrongs, to prevent others from making the same mistakes.

Snape ran outside to the huge tree. He knew that was where Lily would be.

As he ran into the night he could see her huddled by the tree. He ran closer and closer until he was right behind her.

"Go away." She said, knowing he was behind her.

"No." He replied, "No. Lily I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking, I just down' want you caught up in the mess I call my life."

"It's too late for that." She whispered.

"I know Lil, I know. I'm sorry."

She sniffed, still crying before standing up and coming to where Snape was.

"I'll forgive you, but stop trying to control my life! We're best friends, but I'm a person too."

"I promise." Sev agreed, holding his arms open for a hug.

She grinned and ran forward throwing her arms around his waist. A few minutes later Snape asked, "How'd you like to join the feast now?"

"Hmmm, okay!" Lily teased.

She hesitated for a second before reaching up around Sev's neck and pulling him down towards her. She kissed him quickly before turning slowly and running ahead.

As she raced ahead of the stunned, blushing Snape she called, "Race you to the Great Hall."

And so he did.


	7. It Seems Like That Should Be Enough

_**Hey guys (again!)! Oh my gosh two chapters in one day! :) This one's a little shorter..it was originally one chapter but I split it into two. Here ya go!**_

_**Song for this chapter**_

_**I Still Think- Darren Criss (sorry to do the same artist twice in a row, but its a great song! :) )

* * *

**_

**_And now, how we like to say that we're in love_**

**_Doesn't it seem like that should be enough, but_**

**_The world will roll their eyes, but I still think_**

**_Yeah I still think that we're in love_**

* * *

Severus Snape could count the time he and Lily Evens had kissed on one hand. Each time he treasured as dearly as his own life. Each time was another piece of his heart she had snatched away, unknowingly. The first had been a beginning, that day on the train. It was innocent and friendly, but warm and full of love that neither could express. The second, was an apology. An "I'm sorry." Lily never said. It was after a fight that had nearly shattered their friendship forever, but that day would come later.

The next came from yet another unfortunate day in Snape's life.

"You stupid mudblood woman!" Snape's father yelled at his wife. His dad then picked up a plate off the table and threw it at the sobbing witch huddled in the corner. It missed by mere inches.

"How dare you disrespect me in my own home!" He screamed at her, "And you!" He turned on his son, "You're just like your mother! Filthy, disgusting, hopeless."

"Stop it! Stop it!" Snape yelled at him.

"Well isn't that cute. Sticking up for her aren't we? I don't see you doing that when she's beating you in one of her drunk rampages. You two are a right pair." He sneered at Snape.

"That's it!" Snape roared, "I'm leaving! I can't live with you two anymore!" He turned to talk out the door.

"Go on then! Run off to your mudblood girlfriend!"

"Don't ever call her a mudblood." Snape screamed back at his father.

"You just wait! You'll end up just like me."

"I will never be like you!" Snape spat back at him before slamming the door behind him.

He ran all the way to Lily's home. He had already let her take his trunk home with her, for he knew his stay at home wouldn't last long.

Climbing into the window once again, he found Lily sitting on her bed going over her Potions book. Her face lit up when she saw Snape in the window.

"Sev!" She called smiling, before she saw the tears on his face.

"Your parents fighting again?" she asked, pitying him. Maybe Tuney was unbearable, but at least her parents loved her.

Snape only nodded as Lily waved him over to her bed.

He sat down next to her and began to cry.

"Come here Sevy." She said sadly.

And she held him closely as he cried. A while later, he composed himself.

"Sorry Lil." He apologized, "You shouldn't have to see that."

"Hey," She whispered, "don't worry. No one should have to deal with all you go through. It's okay to cry. I think...I think its rather endearing." She blushed, "It shows that you care. And that you're kind."

"Thanks Lil." His eyes stared at her with a deep understanding.

Then silence hung in the air as the two gazed into each others eyes. Slowly Snape leaned down to kiss her softly.

A few minutes later, Snape pulled away.

"Sev?" Lily asked quietly, smiling with love.

"Yeah?"

"I love you. I wish your parents did too."

"Luckily for you, your love is the only love I need."

And that made three. Later, Snape would stand over the penseive in Dumbledore's office watching that moment over and over. Drunk off of his own despair, he would cry alone wishing his story had gone differently. It was one he chose not to give to Harry Potter, along with so many others. He wanted this one to stay with him through death, through forever. This broken boy grew into a broken man with no one at all to love and only memories to remind him of a time when he was happy.


	8. She's Almost Brighter Than The Sun

**_Sorry its been so long guys! School is ...crazy :/ but here's the chapter :) _**

**_Song for this Chapter: Candlelight, Reliant K_**

**_

* * *

_**

After their fight, life went on normally for Sev and Lily. Snape constantly chasing the elusively beautiful Lily Evans, and her dancing ahead just out of his grasp. Then at night, when Snape knew Lily was fast asleep in her own dorm, he would take out his potions book and scrawl down improvements to the recipes, or note down new spells he had invented. He knew that one day, he would do great things. Although his talent for Potions was his greatest strength, he loved Defense Against the Dark Arts. Snape wanted a profession in it one day. He wanted people to know his name, whether for good or bad.

And so the days went by. Snape took each day he spent with Lily as a blessing from his own ginger angel. Then, as quickly as it had come, their fifth year at Hogwarts had ended. Snape wasn't even bothering going home this time. His parents wouldn't notice anyways. This time, he had been formally invited to stay at the Evans's home as well. Since they had no clue of his feelings for Lily, he would get to sleep on the floor of her room. However, he wouldn't have tried anything regardless. She meant far to much to him.

As they arrived at the home, Snape and Lily made their way up to her room.

They walked in and set down their things. Lily began unpacking as Snape just stood and watched his only love. A few minutes later she noticed him staring and he blushed.

"What?" Lily asked, walking over to him.

"I was just looking at how beautiful you are."

It was Lily's turn to blush.

"Oh shut up, Sev." She teased. He took a step closer.

"Okay." He murmured.

His hands slipped up around her neck and he began pulling her closer to him. His lips moved closer to Lily's, eager for his bliss.

Just then, two harsh, loud footsteps came towards the door and the pair jumped apart.

"Oh look, the two _freaks_ are here." Petunia Evans sneered angrily in their direction.

"What do you want Tuney?" Lily demanded, using her anger to hide her despair at her sister's hate.

"Mom wants you two freaks for dinner."

"Okay, we're coming." Lily said glaring at Petunia as her younger sister retreated down the stairs.

She then turned to Sev with tears in her eyes.

"I miss her Sev."

"I know." He said, sympathizing with his friend.

"Come on, lets go eat." She sniffed and grabbed Snape's hand pulling him along behind her.

That summer was the best Severus had ever had. He had no idea that he was so close to darkness, so close to losing everything he loved, and each day was spent in bliss with Lily. No James, no work, no judgment. Only two friend who loved each other very dearly, although it would never be enough.

As the summer came to a close, Severus and Lily prepared to return for their sixth year at Hogwarts. Little did they know, disaster was coming soon.

The day before school started, they went for a walk down by the stream that ran through Lily's backyard.

"Aren't you just so excited to be going back to Hogwarts, Sev?" Lily questioned, bouncing around next to him.

He merely smiled and replied, "Yes."

"Oh! I almost forgot! I have something for you! A gift. It's not much, but its for you."

"A gift? Why?" Sev asked.

"Just think of it as a back to school gift..open it!"

She handed him a small package wrapped in blue paper with tiny lilies all over it.

Severus opened this package and saw a picture of himself and Lily that her parents had taken when they were much younger.

"It doesn't move like magical ones do, but its to remind you that no matter what, we'll always be best friends."

"Thank you, Lil. This means a lot." He smiled.

Just then Lily glanced at her watch.

"Oh goodness! I told my parents we'd be back...we better go home."

Sev took her hand and started making their way back home.

Snape's time was slowly ticking away. Soon all he would have left would be some empty memories. However, he walked back with her, ignorant to his future, but loving life at present.

That day came ytet again. The time was upon them yet again to return to Hogwarts. Lily had fallen too hard. She had tried for five years to pretend like she didn't love Severus Snape as much as he loved her, but she now realized that life is too short to run away from love. She was fully prepared to give her fellow Gryfinndors something to talk about concerning her and Sev. And, so was he.

The train ride was spent discussing e verything the two bright teenagers could come up with. Lily talked mostly, Sev was too busy taking in her beauty.

After several hours of riding on the dreary train, they arrived at Hogwarts.

Overly excited to be back, Lily grabbed Snape's hand and rushed out of the train and on to the platform.

"Oh! Sev! We're back! We're at Hogwarts again!"Lily cried then turned and quickly pressed her lips to Sev's. She tried to pull away, but he only held her closer.

A few minutes passed then he pulled back.

"Lil," he started, "I nee to ask you something. Would you-"

His question was suddenly cut off by a gruff voice calling his name.

"Severus." the voice yelled, "Severus!"

Snape turned to see Avery behind him waving a book that he himself had written in, contributing to their anti-Muggle conspiracies. He, however, didn't want Lily to see what was in there.

"What do you want?" He demanded cooly.

"Me and Mulciber came up with some 'stuff' over the summer, we want you to see."

"Alright, alright I'm coming." Snape gave in, simply to get them away from Lily. Avery retreated back to where Mulciber was standing leaving Snape.

"Sorry, I should go. We can talk later. I love you."

With that, he turned and left her alone to wonder what he had been about to ask. If Snape had turned around to look back, he would have seen a hurt, lonely girl who wanted her best friend to come back.


	9. The Start Of Every Tear I'm Gonna Cry

_**Here's a new chapter! It's short, but I put a lot of work into this one. This has been the hardest chapter to write..it's sad :(**_

_**Song for this chapter: Here Comes Goodbye- Rascal Flats**_

_**Here comes goodbye, here comes the last time  
Here comes the start of every sleepless night  
The first of every tear I'm gonna cry  
Here comes the pain,  
Here comes me wishing things had never changed  
That she was right here in my arms tonight,  
But here comes goodbye**_

* * *

That day. That terrible, horrible day. That day where everything went wrong. _That _day. It started out like any other day. Sure, Snape was in a little bit of a bad mood. It seemed like his creepy friends always showed up when he was about to ask Lily out. However, it was just a normal day.

More than normal, in fact. The sun was shining. Birds were singing. It looked like a fantastic start to a fantastic day.

It looked _wrong._

Severus Snape strolled across the green yard outside of Hogwarts towards his love. Lily Evans was sitting under a large oak tree, _their_ tree, completing some homework.

"Lil!" He called.

She looked up and grinned upon seeing her friend.

"Sevy! I've missed you!"

"I missed you too, Lil...school's been tough."

"It has, but you're here now, sit."

She patted the ground next to her, and he sat. She smiled even wider and laced their fingers together, squeezing his hand.

"Well, well, well if it isn't Snivellus!" cried Sirius Black with mock surprise as him, James, Peter Pettigrew, and Remus swaggered over to where the two friends lay.

"Go away guys!" Snape snapped, angry that people were continuously interrupting his precious time with Lily.__

"D'ya hear that James? He wants us to go away!" Sirius laughed with a smirk on his face, 'Is that what we're gonna do?"

"No!" James grinned along, "No, I don't think so!"

With evil smiles on their faces, they used Snape's _own _spell against him, hoisting him up in the air by his ankle.

"You cut that out James Potter!" Sev's angel called.

Suddenly James' whole demeanor changed. He straightened up, blushed a bit, and dropped Snape at once.

"Aw, Snivellus! You're girlfriend still sticking up for you?" Sirius laughed.

Shame, humiliation, and fury flooded Snape. AL the rage from years of beatings from his parents, constant bullying at school, and always coming up short in the race of life, welled up inside of him. And as so many hurting people do, he took it all out on the person he loved more than anything in the whole world.

"Shut up!" He yelled, not at the four Mauraders, but at Lily, "Just shut it! I don't need your stupid help! You're just a stupid _mudblood_!" __

"Ooo!" James and his croonies called in shock and entertainment at the twist of events.

But real pain filled the eyes of Lily Evans.

"Goodbye Severus." She whispered as she fled with huge tears rolling down her cheeks. James, Sirius and the rest followed right behind.

In that moment Severus Snape realized the enormity of what he had just done.

It wasn't the word mudblood in particular. People called Lily that all the time and it never really bothered her. However, it was the betrayal. It was the "stab in the back", it was because he was supposed to be the only one who would never let her down, but he had.

Severus raced after Lily, to apologize maybe. But something inside of him realized that it was already far too late._**  
**_


	10. I Will Lay Down My Heart

_**Hey sorry its been a looonnngg time but I'm trying the best I can! Thanks for reading :)**_

Song: I Can't Make You Love Me -Bonnie Rait

_i can't make you love me if you don't  
you can't make your heart feel  
somethin' it wont  
here in the dark,in these final hours  
i will lay down my heart  
and feel the power if you wont  
no you wont  
cuz i can't make you love me  
if you don't_

* * *

Severus Snape raced as fast as he could to the Gryfinndor common room. He knew the way by heart, even though he'd always been to shy to actually go in. One night as they lay talking by the oak tree, Lily had shared her secrets with him, including the way to where he was now headed.

He stood in the middle of the common room, knowing exactly what would happen if he tried to go any further.

"LILY!" he screamed, pure agony ripping through him. Somewhere deep inside of his soul, Snape knew that it was all over. But he wasn't about to give up that quickly.

"LILY!" He yelled out, even more urgent than the last one.

Soon a mousy, brunette girl came down the girls staircase and looked at him with pure disgust. "She doesn't want to see you, Snivellus." She sneered at him.

"Please." He whimpered, "Please. Just let me talk to her. I won't leave until she comes down."

The girl gave him one last look before stalking back up the stairs.

Meanwhile, Lily Evans was sitting on her bed sobbing.

"I thought he would never betray me..I **trusted** him!" She cried to whoever would listen, "He called me..a..a.._mudblood!_ I know he's a Slytherin, but I thought he was mis-sorted. Maybe he was. But its over! I can't deal with this anymore, this lying and sneaking and evil side to him. I LOVED HIM! But not anymore. Not now."

Tears streamed down her face, and her heart was breaking in two, but it really was over for her. She had decided the second the word came out of his mouth that there would be no more second chances.

Suddenly, her friend Rachel burst in.

"He says he won't leave until you come see him." She said, looking down at Lily with pity.

Lily's heart went cold. What was Sev thinking? He could get expelled for this.

Sighing, Lily stood up. Three or four girls stood up with her, ready to back her up in this confrontation.

"No, girls. I can handle him. Don't worry about me."

They sat back down, hesitating a bit, but they could see the determination in her eyes and let her go.

Soon, Lily was standing in the Gryfinndor common room, staring straight into Sev's dark eyes, waiting for whatever it was he had to say.

"Lil." He whispered walking across the common room, and trying to take her hand.

But took quickly, she snatched it back and glared at him.

"What do you want Sev?" She said, trying to sound tough. But being tough is difficult to do when you're trying not to cry.

"I'm so sorry, Lily you have no idea. I wish I could take back everything I said."

"Yeah, me too." She took a step back, "But you can't, Sev. You can't go back. Only forward, okay? I gave you chances. I asked you to get rid of those awful friends, and to stop with those spells you make up, but you didn't Sev. You chose them over me. I get it okay? You're message is loud and clear, okay? I'm not as important to you as you are to me, maybe one day I will be, one day when I'm gone you'll realize what we could've had. Maybe it'd be different, if you just once, just one time, if you'd _chose_ me. But you never did, and you never will, and its over, Sev. It's over."

"Lily no," Sev started.

"YES SEV." She screamed at him, "SEV, IT'S OVER! I'm DONE! PLEASE, just let me get on with my life!"

Tears rolled down her cheeks as she walked over to where he was standing.

"I will always love you Sev, okay?" She wrapped her arms around him one last time and then walked away leaving Severus Snape standing all alone once again.


	11. I Guess I'm Just Looking For Love

_**Well I'm back :) I'm trying to get this story finished as soon as possible :) tehe, well here's chapter 11!**_

**Song for this chapter:**

**What Are You Looking For? by Charlie Mars**

_Whoa, I really don't know._

_What is coming over me_

_But I want to find a plane, fly it high in the sky_

_Buy us two tickets and kist everybody here goodbye_

* * *

Life after Lily was a blur. Life without her, for Snape, was absolutely unbearable. Most summers he spent wandering around the filthy streets around his house, looking for something, for someone to take away the severe pain in his heart. He began hanging out with a group of bad guys and girls following a certain Lord Voldemort. All he wanted was something to love, someone to love, but he found no one. So instead he immersed himself in what he could, which was the evil of the Death Eaters.

Soon, it was graduation time. Lily had begun dating James Potter, who took every moment to rub that in Snape's face. He strut around the castle with his arm around her bragging to anyone who would listen about how beautiful his girlfriend was. If he only knew.

Their seventh year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was complete. At the last exam of the last day, the entire year seven ran outside with huge smiles on their faces, finished at last.

That day seemed to go by in slow motion for Snape. Hogwarts had been hell, sure, but it had also been days spent with _her_. Now that they were leaving, he would very likely never see her again. A hardness had come over Severus's heart. That day solidified it. He would never love again, or feel anything again very likely. Every day was just a mess. Like, with Lily his whole life seemed wonderful and straight, but now it was just a jumbled disaster.

Snape sat alone, not wanting the company of any of his 'friends'. Underneath the old tree that used to house Lily and Snape's private times and private laughs, Severus held back tears of regret and sorrow.

"Sev?" He heard a familiar, beautiful, voice. At first he thought the beautiful redheaded girl standing behind him was another delusion, but she wasn't . She was actually there. Talking to him.

"Lil?" He whispered, standing up and walking over to her.

"Sev. Can we talk?" Her voice quivered a bit.

"Of course, Lil." He tried to smile at her, trying not to give himself any hope. He saw the way she looked at James.

She moved closer to him and sat down in her usual spot under the tree.

"Sev." She sighed, "Look Sev, this isn't easy for me either. You know? These past few years, well, they haven't been a piece of cake. I miss you so much, so, so much. But I have to say goodbye. For good." She paused as a few tears slipped out of her eyes.

"Sev." She began again, "I want you to know that I truly love you so much. But you're not good for me. Not anymore. I hope you find happiness, I really do. But I can't keep going on feeling guilty for something I didn't do. I have to let go. I'm sorry, so sorry Sev. Please don't hate me."

"I could never hate you Lil." Severus whispered, now crying too.

"I know. I know, Sev, I do."

"Just know," Sev said "I will never, ever stop being in love with you. You might as well know. I am totally in love with you, Lil. And I'll always be here. If that jerk Potter ever hurts you more than I did, I'm here, and I love you, and we might be good together. Maybe, I don't know, but I don't want you leaving thinking I don't love you, cause I do."

Lily just looked deep into his black eyes with her green ones.

"Goodbye, Sev." She said before walking away for the last time.


	12. But Sometimes It Hurts Instead

**_Hey here's the newest chapter! :) This isn't how I pictured this chapter going AT ALL, but the characters had a mind of their own with this one. Enjoy!_**

_Song: Someone Like You by Adele_

_I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited  
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.  
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded  
That for me it isn't over._

* * *

Graduation brought relief. While others cried their goodbyes and promised to write, Severus Snape only saw an escape. No more having to watch James and Lily, the so called 'perfect couple', strut around the castle 'in love'. No more pretending to care, as he silently wasted away on the inside. Snape was ready to move on, not from Lily, no he'd always love her, but from Hogwarts. He had joined up with the Death Eaters, and was off to work officially for Lord Voldemort. Snape hoped he was choosing the right side, as war seemed inevitable. It wasn't like the Ministry of Magic was just going to hand over the position of Minister for Magic. Severus was confident, but also didn't really care whether he lived or died, at this point.

So he left Hogwarts, feeling the same as always, but with just a bit of hope on the horizon. Hope that maybe one day the pain would fade and the hurt would go away.

Maybe.

Soon, Sev was working at the right hand of Lord Voldemort, who was quickly rising in power. Snape didn't have to do the dirty work of the newcomers anymore, nor was he fighting the "front lines" (aka killing muggles). Sev got to plan and discuss with Lord Voldemort himself. However, with this job came a price. He was fighting against the love of his life, Lily Evans. She had chosen the other side, as usual, and he feared for her life daily. Often he would alter the plans of the Death Eaters in order to protect Lily and the self-righteous "Order of the Phoenix".

Somehow Voldemort never found out about Sev's love for Lily. A natural at occlumency, and he practiced daily. He knew if Voldemort ever found out about his undying love for Lily, he'd see it as a weakness. Voldemort didn't know or understand love, and would therefore label Snape ''handicapped" for loving someone so fiercely. So, Snape's love of Lily Evans remained a secret, and his Occlumency skills were put to the test every day. Little did he know how handy they would come in later.

And Lily continued living as well. She joined up with the Order of the Phoenix, from its inception, as the group attempted to fight the dark forces at bay. She continued to see James Potter, but there was still a part of her completely in love with Severus Snape. She, however, was no fan of "star-crossed" lovers, and knew that any part of her that loved a Death Eater would have to be shoved deep down inside. And so each of them had their weaknesses.

One day, at the Order of the Phoenix headquarters, began like any other. Lily sat at a table with Frank and Alice Longbottom discussing Dumbledore's newest plan to thwart Death Eaters.

Suddenly, James burst through the door with a bouquet of lilies in his hand.

"Lily Evans!" He yelled with a grin on his face. She stood up, matching his smile, and walked over to him.

"Yes dear?"

"I've come here to ask you something." He proclaimed, sinking down to one knee, "Lily, I had a crush on you for six years and then I fell in love with you for a few more. So I just wanted to ask you if you would possibly help me clean my robes? They're rather dusty." A small crowd had gathered in the room now and they laughed, recognizing James's humor. "I'm only joking! Actually I wanted to know if you might, you know, marry me?"

Lily paused. In one swift moment she remembered how Sev made her feel. She remembered how James tormented him and she remembered what it felt like to hate the man who was now proposing to her. But she also remembered that life was different now, and she couldn't very well say no, and she really did love James too.

"Yes. Of course I'll marry you, you big idiot!" She smiled and accepted the ring, before he stood up and kissed her right on the mouth.

The crowd in the back of the room cheered and James and Lily smiled.

That night Severus sat in the Leaky Cauldron, alone, and dreamed of what life might have been like if he had chosen differently. Suddenly he overheard a conversation between two very loud, and very obnoxious sounded people.

"Did you hear? Lily and James the two got themselves engaged today!"

"No I did not hear that! That's wonderful news! Even in these dark times, its good to see a little light."

Snape's heart went cold. It's not like he was blindsided, he should've seen this one coming. It was just that all the hope he had, all the dreams that maybe after all this was over, the war and all, even if his side lost, maybe, just maybe, she'd take him back. Because maybe, just maybe, she still loved him. He knew now that those hopes were false ones. He would never, ever be able to beat James. He won the girl.

Determined to find out for himself the truth of the situation, he ran outside, and disapparated to the place he knew Lily would come to.

Sitting silently by the pond between their childhood homes, Snape let himself cry. He hadn't cried since joining the Death Eaters, not once. But now, he finally let himself feel what he'd kept bottled up for so long.

"Hey, Sev." He suddenly heard a voice behind him, _her _voice.

"Lily." He replied, trying to hide the fact that he'd been crying.

"I thought I might find you here." She said, still not moving.

"Funny. I came here to find you." He said, with the bitterness of his heart creeping into his voice.

"Sev, I'm sorry if this hurts you. I really am. I suppose I shouldn't be, because you hurt me too. But I am. I'm so sorry you didn't choose me, and I'm even sorrier I didn't choose you. I'm sorry you don't have someone like what James is to me. I'm sorry that you're hurting, I'm sorry you chose the Death Eaters, I'm sorry I ever made you cry, I'm sorry I didn't try harder, I'm sorry! And I forgive you, for calling me a mudblood. The truth is I forgave you as soon as it happened. And I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I'm sorry you've had to live with that. And I'm sorry we can't be together."

There was a pause as Snape thought over all she had just said. He stood up and turned around to face her.

"I'm sorry too." He sighed, tears coming back to his eyes, "I'm sorry I am this person that you're ashamed of. And I'm sorry I ever loved you because clearly it was never enough."

"Please don't do this Sev."

"No! It's not fair. You asked me, back at Hogwarts, _you_ asked _me_. 'Aren't I enough Sev?' That's what you said! Of course you're enough! You're all I ever wanted. You're the only one I've ever, ever loved. I have no friends, no life, no family. My parents are probably dead, I'm not really sure. And if you think I'm about to call a Death Eater a friend, you don't know me at all! I only joined them because of you! Because you were the only reason to live, and I'd rather die now that you're gone from my life. I'm a wreck, Lil. All because you, and everyone else, gave up on me. I get it. I get that it's hard to be my friend. You don't think I know? You don't think I hate myself? Everything I've ever done is horrible and wrong, and the only good thing was you." Snape stopped here and looked at his friend with accusing eyes.

"It's a little late to say all those things Sev." She replied, now crying as well.

"I know." He whispered, before collapsing to the ground in tears.

And Lily, being who she was, rushed over and held him as he cried, just like she did when they were young. Only now, it wasn't his parents who were hurting him, it was her.

"I still love you, Sev." She whispered as she held his hand tightly, "I just can't be with you."

"I know, Lil. I know. Just remember that if James ever...if he ever isn't good enough. If you ever wish you had me instead, I'll always be waiting. I'm not quitting you yet."

"You're better than him, you know that Sev? You really are. No matter what side you picked, you're a better human being that he is. Deep down."

And because that was all he ever wanted to hear, Snape was okay. He still ached inside from losing his love, and best friend, but he also knew that he had won. Because he realized that while Lily would be with James forever, he would be the one she thought of in those fleeting moments before she fell asleep at night.

"Lil?" He said.

"Yes Sev?"

"Thanks." He replied. And she knew exactly what he meant.

The two friends sat by the pond, in the dark, for many hours together. Sometimes talking, sometimes not. Just enjoying the company of each other for the last time.

As the sun began to rise they both knew it was time to say good bye.

"Goodbye Sev." Lily whispered, fighting the tears.

"Bye Lily." He too tried not to cry.

She began to walk away, but then turned and ran back to him.

"I'm sorry, but I can't leave without one last thing."

And then she kissed him.

And he kissed her back.

And it wasn't like before, when he was afraid he was overstepping his bounds, because now he knew he was.

And it wasn't like before, when she thought they'd have forever, because now they didn't.

So they kissed each other for the last time and they both didn't care about much else. For one moment, the world was okay once again.

A while later, they broke apart, both crying, both hurting, but both knowing they'd never forget that moment.

Holding her as tight as he could Snape whispered into her ear, "I don't want to let you go."

"I know, Sev." She cried into his arms, "I know."


	13. When A Heart Breaks

**_It's been a while as usual, so sorry lovelies. Thanks for sticking with me. 3 _**

* * *

_Song: _

_Break Even- The Script_

_Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even  
__What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you, __  
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok  
I'm falling to pieces_

* * *

Lily and James's marriage was a hit, as everyone had known it would be. Severus Snape received an invitation, but he knew that it came with the expectation that he would not show up. It was not unusual to find him alone, late at night, working on incantations and potions and dark magic to "aid the cause" of the Death Eaters. However, for him, it was more about escaping the reality that the only woman, well the only person really, that he'd ever loved was marrying the boy who had made his times at Hogwarts absolutely awful.

One night, shortly after the wedding, James and Lily were at their house when he noticed something seemed a bit off.

"What's wrong, love?" James asked, walking over to his wife, who was sitting on a recliner in the living room.

"Oh..nothing, James. Don't worry about it." She replied, forcing a quick smile.

"It's not nothing, and as your husband I have a right to know what is making you so upset, now start talking." He sat down across from her with a grin.

"I don't think you want to hear it, dear." She sighed, not meeting his gaze.

At once James knew what it was.

"It's him isn't it. Did you actually think he was going to show up to the wedding?" James scoffed at her.

"No, I did not. That's exactly the problem. I wish I could have expected him to show up to the wedding. I wish you two would have just gotten over your silly rivalry years ago. And yes, sorry, but it bothers me that my childhood best friend couldn't come to my wedding."

"I'm starting to think you're still in love with him." James said, raising his voice, "I think if he had showed to the wedding, looking resentful, that you wouldn't have hesitated to-"

"Just shut it, James!" Lily yelled at him, as she began to cry, "Just, please..."

"See!" He retorted, "You don't even deny it! You don't even bother because you know it's what's the truth!"

Lily paused, "I love you too."

"But," James replied, his voice lower, but still harsh, "It will never be enough."

"It has to be." She whispered, her voice thick with emotion, "We both made our choices."

"You never had a choice," James lamented, "It's always been him. You were forced into loving me, but if you could go back, if you could change things, if you could change him. You would do it. In a heartbeat you would. Lil, and it's why I love you, it is. Because you never give up. You didn't give up on me, and you sure as anything wouldn't give up on him. He's broken your heart a million times, and you'd still never give up. I know it's true, I see the regret in your eyes. That day, when he called you a...a mudblood. If we had a time machine, or if you could warn yourself, you'd probably go back and forgive him and stay his friend and never talk to me because that's the kind of person you are. You'd save him, you'd lose me while doing it, and I'm not saying that'd be easy for you, but you'd give me up if it meant somehow changing what happened between you two. But, Lil, listen to me. You cannot change what happened. You can't change who he is. So please, let's just try to enjoy what we're left with."

James pulled a sobbing Lily into his arms and let her cry.

"Lil," he whispered, "I will still love you, always, but don't let Snivellus break up our marriage. He's not worth it."

Instead of responding, or making any promises, Lily kissed simply kissed him. It was the only thing she could possibly do.


End file.
